Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Drake has all the answers
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
