The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
