good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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