just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
