Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
