Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
