Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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