I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
