I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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