dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
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Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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