she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You smell like a Billy Joel song
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
