Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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