My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
