you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize