Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
