i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I could make wine with my vomit
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
