It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
