my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
