So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
