I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
