naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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