he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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