What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
