Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
