If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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