highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
