ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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