omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
