i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
