You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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