I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
