I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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