I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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