So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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