I hate all girls vehemently.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Who died my cat blue again?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
