he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
