Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
