I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
