I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
