Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
