dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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