honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
