Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
