just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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