so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
