The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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