I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
