there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
