I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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