Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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