I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
