I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
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