I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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