Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
