This is not my ceiling
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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