Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
