I'm jealous of your bromance
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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