just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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